THE ACT OF GHOSTING

Ghosting - the practice of ending a personal relationship or friendship with someone suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication.

I'm going to be 100% real in this blog post. I find that this blog mainly focuses on what I get up to and all the fun, cool places I've been - which is cool. But as a writer, I also want to be completely honest with myself and I can express it better when I write things down.

I'm not the one who likes to ghost, if that's what you're thinking. My phone is in my hands 24/7. If I ever do delay replies... let's be honest, I'm most likely sleeping.

Someone did ghost on me and that was extremely hard to understand. It's an excruciating silence. It's a feeling of abandonment. It usually goes like this: You've known them for a while... you've communicated with them everyday and when you've built a connection - poof! They're gone. You message them a few times, call them, email, send a bloody letter ... you get nothing back. You start to worry. Are they in hospital? Are they going through something? But the one question that stays on your mind is: Did I do something wrong? So you re-read previous messages, trying to figure out if you've crossed a line or insulted their mother by accident. Nope. Guess what? You probably didn't do anything wrong. And realising that took me a long time.

In my particular experience, this ghost was in and out of my life. They came back weeks later to tell me they've had "things to do." And naturally, being the forgiving person that I am, I chose to let it slide. However, my soft side couldn't handle it when I started noticing that I was resentful, paranoid and anxious to know when they were going to do it again. I made snarky comments like: "So when will you switch off your phone again? Let me know in advance this time." I loved hiding behind sarcastic comments. But behind all of that, I was feeling anger and confusion. This really wasn't a healthy way to deal with it though. It felt good for a while but again, I was not completely honest with myself. It gets tiring.

I didn't trust my gut instincts.

In my own mind, I was telling myself that this whole situation was a vicious cycle and my concern and feelings were being dismissed time and time again. But what I told other people was the complete opposite. "Oh, they're just a busy and hardworking person, but we still do communicate!" Bullshit. It became so sad to think that I ignored that little voice in my head that was saying: "Stop stressing yourself out."

Have you ever felt disrespected but you didn't want to fully admit it to others, let alone yourself? It basically felt like that and it took time for me to get over that anger. Not because I just can't get over it, but because "that ghost" never gave me the closure that I needed. It created a sense of ambiguity and that's where that unbearable feeling came from. The thought of simply not knowing what the hell went wrong. One thing I hate: my time being wasted.

So what did I realise from all of this? It's quite straightforward. There's only so much you can do. If someone does not want your help or your input or your support - then stop giving it to them. Literally stop wasting your precious time. Secondly, stop blaming yourself. If your gut is saying "They'll do it again and again... and again ..." then you're probably right. Thirdly, talk to someone that you can trust. Someone who you believe will listen to you - the type of listener you've been craving for. After that long period of feeling ignored, you're going to NEED a good listener.

It affected the way I treated others.

Not only did this situation make me struggle to understand myself, but I noticed that I was subconsciously neglecting other people/failing to let anyone else in. I avoided talking to people who would tell me the truth. I became extremely reserved and had my guard up. Emotions? Never heard of that. I constantly thought: "Never open up to anyone, in case they just leave you hanging." I've had people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking, I'm always "calm" or that "I'm way too laid back to stress about things" and I would just stare in astonishment. Sometimes being naturally calm is nice, but other times you wonder: "How do I manage to keep it all in? Are people taking advantage? ... Yeah, that's not good."

I got to that stage and it sucked. I specifically remember someone telling me: "Why do we chase those who ignore us and ignore the ones who care about us?" The accuracy of that question pierced my soul. And again, I chose to ignore my gut and face that truth.

Understand who you are

I'm the type of person who doesn't like showing their vulnerability so instead, I don't talk about it and pretend it will go away. Well, it doesn't go away and eventually you'll feel your anger or your sadness build up, until it feels like a lump in your throat.

Quit being with people who take advantage of the fact that "you appear nonchalant and forgiving" and surround yourself with those who actually care about your wellbeing.

Quit dwelling on the "what ifs" and understand that you're not the first person they've done it to. And you're probably not the last. Truth be told, some people walk this earth with a fear of commitment. They pick up and drop people along the way. Once you start to question yourself, it will inevitably knock down your self-esteem and your self-worth. DON'T let it get to that stage. Take yourself out of it and don't look back.

The way I handled it wasn't the quickest way but it helped. I constantly reminded myself that I did what I could and that in due time, things that I've been stressing about will be "a thing of the past." It's simple: Those who belong in your life will stay in your life.